Dark Lols II
by ASouffleToServeTwo
Summary: The anthology of absurdity returns to claim your soul. An unforgettable journey awaits you in this piss-taking world where each dark corner and unexpected encounter will test your level of anal protection. Afflicted by the ancient curse of the butt-ugly, you will confront your own fears to emerge destroyed in every way imaginable. Rated T for immaturity, and dark (souls) themes.
1. The Place Where the Sun Don't Shine

**Hello scrubs and friends alike! I have but one exam left to go before I am a free man for another year, so I wanted to bring you the top secret project that I've been working on. It accidentally got leaked to some in the general public a few weeks back, so it's probably not the first time you're hearing about Project Beast (I didn't call it that, that was the people who read it and thought it was BEAST). Anyways, enjoy! My gift to the community. I'm home, baby. **

**-The Magician's Tail Chapter 2 will be coming within the week. -**

* * *

**DARK LOLS II: The Place Where the Sun Don't Shine: Part One - Welcome to Drangleic, Motherfuckers**

"Go beyond death?"

Solaire, esteemed knight of Astora let loose with an over-exuberant chuckle that would - under normal circumstances - be considered rather unbecoming of him. The steelbook copy of Dark Souls II that he held in his hand bore the catchphrase right across the back of its casing - a blazing declaration of things to come.

"What a silly catchphrase!" he laughed. "If I did not know better, I would think that these casuals were not prepared to die at all. Hoo-hoo."

"What are you laughing about?"

The Crestfallen Warrior had decided to make one of his rare attempts at a conversation. Solaire wiped the tears from his eyes, and went over to him.

"It's this new game," he explained.

"Our replacement?" the Crestfallen asked him.

"The very same. Dark Souls Too. Miyazaki did not even supervise this one!"

The Crestfallen's eyes bulged with blood. "U wot, mate?"

"I speak the truth. You see, the game director is called Tanimura. Yui Tanimura."

The Warrior snorted. "Sounds like a scrub's name to me."

Solaire sniggered. "Still not as bad as 'Saulden.'"

"What was that?"

"Oh, nothing. Anyhoo, should we have a go? We'll probably be able to beat it in three hours, and I've got time to kill anyways. You know, waiting for jolly co-operation and all that fun shit."

Whilst the Crestfallen set up the game, Solaire quietly took out his sun-soaked White Sign Soapstone. A tear squeezed its way out of his eye as he read the message upon its luminous yellow surface: 'Last Sunbr0 outing: 45 days ago.'

"What's this?" Crestfallen muttered snidely. "Is this menu music supposed to frighten me?"

The ominous choir/piano piece certainly conveyed a sense of foreboding, but Crestfallen simply laughed it off, and hit the start button.

"New Game," he read aloud, before an angered frown passed over him. "What the fuck...? Where's my character creation screen?"

Indeed, the screen had gone black, and the narrator had begun her cryptic storytelling.

"Do I have to play as a pre-set in this game? Lame." he whined.

'Perhaps you've seen it... Maybe in a dream... A murky, forgotten-'

Crestfallen hammered his fist upon the Start button, skipping the intro, and most of the story's background.

"Shut up," Crestfallen remarked. "Stupid old hag."

Solaire interjected. "I believe we should have watched that."

Crestfallen ignored him. "I'm here to die with absolutely no context whatsoever. If I wanted a story in my game, I'd play Kingdom Hearts."

Solaire Looked Skyward, amazed by his compatriots incompetence.

The game began with a figure robed in tatty clothing standing upon a pedestal in the middle of a field. The game declared the title of the area as 'Things Betwixt.'

"Controls are mostly the same..." Crestfallen reported, trying all the buttons on his scuffed Playstation pad. "Wait, how the fuck do I jump?"

Solaire Shrugged, and the Crestfallen began to steam. "I've pressed every fucking button! Why won't this fat dick jump?"

"Perhaps this game takes place in heavy gravity..?" Solaire suggested.

"Oh," Crestfallen said, pressing L3. "I've got it. Why would they change the controls? Fucking casuls."

The Crestfallen was shortly to eat his words, however. He had wandered straight into the gigantic butt cheeks of an enormous, mole like creature. Immediately, the creature sat on top of his face, crushing his characters skull into gloop instantaneously.

The screen darkened, and 'YOU DIED' blazed across the screen. The Crestfallen leapt to his feet, flipping his controller off of his lap and on to the floor. Shouting and cussing, he started to jump up and down on top of his PS3, kicking wires and causing worrying electrical feedback.

Solaire watched with bemusement as he unplugged the Playstation, then stabbed it through the core with his sword, destroying it instantly. Following this outburst, the Crestfallen ran off screaming and crying.

"Well, I guess he did die in the tutorial..." Solaire chuckled, fishing the disk out of the smouldering games console and plugging in his own Playstation.

* * *

- Two Hours Later -

"Praise the Sun!"

Solaire performed the gesture - very much the same beautiful pose it ever was - as he passed a message encouraging it upon the coastal cliffs of the beautiful Majula.

Lighting the nearby bonfire had been a much more streamlined process. "Now, you don't even need to rest at them..." he smiled. "Such an improvement."

Beaming with admiration for the graphical improvements and anticipation for an exciting adventure, Solaire headed towards the nearby tunnel.

* * *

- Thirty-Two Minutes Later -

"What the flying fuck!?" Solaire screamed. He had just witnessed his first death at the hands of the merciless Pursuer boss. Of course, he hadn't known it had been a boss at the time, for it had displayed no health bar. The real problem was, he'd crushed his last Lifegem as he'd been slayed.

Now, he had no healing items.

"Do I have to be a cleric just to progress in this game?" The Warrior of Sunlight fumed. "And why can't I wield the sword that I started the game with?"

Then came the icing on Solaire's salty cake. "Why is my health bar shorter?"

Sure enough, true to his eyes, Solaire's health bar was now missing a considerable chunk. This did nothing to console the Warrior of Sunlight, but he wasn't about to flip his sh*t just yet.

* * *

- Forty Four Minutes Later -

A smile crept upon Solaire's lips as the last of the Royal Swordsmen fell to their knees, choking on their own blood. The Warrior of Sunlight, now darkened beyond recognition by his compulsive gaming experience, laughed horribly as he slid the edge of his Broadsword against the enemy's throat, executing him mercilessly.

Ahead of him, a white fog gate glimmered and glistened in the dark hallway. Solaire allowed himself to come close to a sense of fulfilment as he tentatively pushed his hand through the swirling mists.

"That last boss was so nooby," he whispered. "Flexile... Sentry, was it? Hoo-hoo. More like Projectile Vomit, ahahahaha."

The laughter died immediately as Solaire passed through the fog and landed in the middle of a room, surrounded by three hulking, golden automatons.

Solaire's eyes widened. "Dear Lord Gwyn..."

The first of the trio - a dashing metal man wearing a golf hat atop his polished helmet and a corresponding bag slung over his shoulder - stepped forward, casually swinging his hammer near his feet.

"Name's Yahim," it proclaimed. "And dese are my brothers, Alessia and Ricce. But you can call us... Gank Squad II."

Ricce nudged Alessia and chuckled in a machine-like fashion. "This one looks like a right scrub, eh ma brotha?"

Alessia nodded in agreement. "Are you lost, little boy? Well, you came to the wrong Bastille, bitch."

Solaire took off his helmet as tears ran down his cheeks. "Please... don't kill me. I've only found one bonfire..."

"Too bad, hunnay," the decidely-camp Ricce chortled, raising his hammer in unison with his twin brothers. "Shoulda called for White Phantom Support."

Suddenly, just as Solaire's life began to flash before his eyes like a magnificent father emerging from a bathtub, the fog was penetrated once again. A lone figure dropped to the floor, and the Sentinels backed up in pure fear.

"Who ya gonna call?" Pilgrim Bellclaire ushered, turning and giving an invisible camera a wink.

The swag emanating from his words caused all three Sentinels to spontaneously melt into nothing. Bellclaire grinned, and even his teeth glittered with perfection.

"I guess you could say, that my arrival was... miraculous!" he said, soothing the Warrior of Sunlight right down to his yellow bones.

Solaire uttered a girlish squeal and fainted as Bellclaire raised one arm into the air and blasted upwards through the roof.

* * *

- 13 Minutes Later -

As Solaire rounded a corner, he was shocked to come face-to-face with a group of rotting undead. All of them were wearing various Solaire memoriabilia, including 'Praise the Sun' T-shirts and a placard that read "Please sign my 'altar of sunlight'", complete with a rather crude diagram of what he meant.

"Oh god," he whispered. "Groupies."

"Gimme a hug!" the crowd screamed, throwing themselves - explosion packs and all - at the Warrior of Sunlight and engulfing him in a cloud of love.

* * *

- 25 Minutes Later -

"Hey. Hey, you."

Solaire had not expected to hear such a soft voice emerging from the intimidating looking Penal Mask of his new opponent. The knight was momentarily taken off guard by his enemy's charm.

"Let me out of these handcuffs, and I'll show you a good time..."

Solaire swallowed. It was a tempting prospect after hours of repetitive cycles of death. To consent to the pleasures that a woman could bring - oh, if only he could be so grossly incandescent.

The apparently-imprisoned boss took a seductive step forward. "Oh, brave undead. When we're done tonight, you'll be just as much of a Sinner as I am..."

Solaire bowed his head, muttering. "Brethren before wenches," he reminded himself. "Cockblock before sunblock."

The Sinner tilted her head in mock disappointment, before rushing forward at blinding speed and impaling Solaire in the face.

* * *

- Thirty One Minutes Later -

The light shone as brightly as ever upon the beautiful town of Majula as Solaire, bound by the kinkiest chains imaginable after his visit to Sinners Rise, emerged from the Far Fire in a cloud of soot and ash. The Emerald Herald tutted as the Warrior of Sunlight made his way towards her.

"More Estus Shards?"

"That's right."

"So you can pimp out that Flask even more?"

"That's right."

The Herald's eye-lashed pupils narrowed, her lips curling in a spiteful manner, imparting her accusation. "Slut."

Solaire stared at her for a moment, before grabbing her by the arm, and tossing her down into the waves below. Only several moments after he had taken the action, did he express any kind of regret.

"Darn. Now I can't level up..."

"Hey!" Blacksmith Lenigrast shouted angrily. "Are ya going to open my fucking house, or not?"

* * *

- Eighteen Minutes Later -

"That smell! Oh, it is delightful!"

Solaire looked with bewilderment upon the grey cat in front of him that could not only talk in perfect English, but apparently liked his aroma.

"Well, shucks, that's just the rotting flesh," he informed the cat.

Shalquoir inhaled deeply, her eyes rolled to the back of her head as she partook in great pleasure. "Incredible... Here, have this ring so that you can go down that pit outside, die a couple more times, and have even more revolting skin!"

Solaire looked doubtful, but then simply shrugged. "Sure, OK."

* * *

- Literally Thirty Seconds Later -

Solaire missed the first wooden platform in the pit and fell to his death.

* * *

- Eight Minutes Later -

Feeling a stinging sensation upon the back of his neck, Solaire turned to investigate the source. Upon feeling his skin, he found it to be imbued with a disgusting green slime. However, he could see no possible place that it could have been ejected from.

Except a tiny little statue left lying on its side at the back of the room.

Solaire looked the stone figure straight in its dead eyes. The figure stared back lifelessly.

After a couple of minutes of the staring contest, Solaire gave up.

"Bah!" he cried. "You wineth this round, statue! But I'll be watching thou!"

As Solaire turned around, he felt yet another spray of poison hit him across his shoulder blades. He spun back immediately, his sword drawn and furious. But yet again, he found no menace.

Nothing but the statue.

"This place is messing with your mind, Solly," the Knight spluttered, trying desperately to convince himself. "There's nothing to be afraid of..."

* * *

- Nineteen Poison Sprays Later -

Solaire turned upon the statue, and decapitated it, causing a spate of poisonous green gunk to blast its way to freedom from the exposed neck hole.

The Warrior of Sunlight shook his head in disparagement. "So, it was you all along..."

* * *

- Fifty Minutes Later -

Solaire crushed the luminous orange butterfly into the tip of his torch, causing a volcanic spurt of light to explode from its tip.

Instantly, he spotted the army of statues that were arraying the entire layout of the Gulch, all spattered with familiar, phosphorescent goo.

Solaire tossed the torch away. "Fuck this, I'm out!" he decided, throwing himself down into the murky depths of the nearby abyss.

* * *

- Twenty One Minutes and Thirty Eight Poison Mosses later -

Solaire smelt the fumes the second he entered into the domain of the Rotten. The keeper of the Black Gulch had immersed himself in a room bursting with passionate flames. Perhaps as a way of warding away the darkness that inhabited his soul, or for giving a comforting warmth to the cold flesh that no 'one would ever love, or ever touch.

Or maybe it was because he was a pyromaniacal blob composed of writhing human body parts.

**EDITOR VAATIVIDYA'S NOTE: FUCK YOU SOUFFLÉ. YOU CANT APPRECIATE THE BEAUTY OF THE SOULS UNIVERSE YOU MEANIE BASTARD. WAWAWA, NOTHING IN THE LORE ACTS WITHOUT AN EXTREMELY-COMPLICATED PURPOSE. I'M OUT. IM DONE. I'M MOVING TO PATREON - PEOPLE THERE WILL APPRECIATE ME!**

"You..." the Rotten gurgled. "You've been desecrating my poison statues..."

"Yeah, those guys were dicks," Solaire said, naively expressing his truthful opinion in full disclosure.

"They are my waifus!" the gelatinous mass shrieked. "I crafted them myself!"

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: ASOUFFLETOSERVETWO PRODUCTIONS DO NOT ENDORSE BIGOMY.**

Solaire looked confused. "What use is a wife without love, compassion, understanding... or a flipping vagina! Come now, you could've added a vagina!"

The Rotten was still as it licked its lips in an unnerving, slow manner, implying more than could ever be conveyed through words. "Why do you think I gave them mouths? It certainly isn't so I can listen to them jabber on about their day! Hmph! Women..."

Solaire nodded. "Ain't that the truth."

Then, he seized a lightning spear, and tossed it towards the sexist boss.

* * *

- Sixty Eight Minutes Later -

The woman in the white gown smiled tenderly as she extended her greetings. "Ah, you are a man of faith! I shall offer you a fantastic opportunity. I will move this gate here around, so that you may pass through to your new destination. My pleasure, really."

Solaire put his hands on his hips. He couldn't believe his ears. "What a swell lady you are, madam. You, who is true of heart, committing acts of kindness and asking for nothing in return-"

"Yeah, 2000 souls," the woman interjected, holding her hand out in front of her.

Solaire looked skyward. Or, at least he would have, if such a gesture existed. Instead, he settled for the half-hearted Well What is It wannabe, Welcome.

"Alright," the warrior of sunlight sighed. "But this had better be worth it..."

* * *

- Four Minutes Later -

"Aaaaaah-choo!"

Solaire sneezed as the green, sparkly powder rained down upon his face. Seconds later, he was dead from blood poisoning.

The butterfly clutched to the ceiling giggled maniacally.

* * *

- Fifteen Minutes Later -

INVADED BY DARK SPIRIT XXCANNIBALSKULLCRUSHERXX

Solaire beamed. "Ah. Time for some jolly co-opera-"

The words died in his mouth as he was hit square in the chest by an immensely-powerful dark magic projectile. Instantly, he felt all of his hope and happiness burn away, along with most of his life. Drained, he collapsed onto his back.

As the darkness clouded around his vision, he saw a shadowy-red figure clad in the distinctive Jester set looming over him. The man stooped down next to Solaire to gently caress his cheek. He paused by his ear.

"Great Resonant Soul," he whispered soothingly, pausing only briefly to cackle menacingly before plunging his dagger into Solaire's neck.

* * *

- Eighteen Minutes Later -

After finally disposing of the despicable Greatsword-wielding phantom standing guard outside, Solaire was finally ready to challenge the Huntsman's Copse boss.

"What awaits me this time?" the Sunlight Warrior pondered aloud good-spiritedly. "Perhaps a giant warrior with a sword? Oh-ho ho."

Pushing through the misty vortex, Solaire walked into a long corridor. The ceiling was lined with intimidating instruments of torture, and several skeleton soldiers stood around aimlessly. It looked like the setting for an incredible, challenging, well-thought out battle.

All of that said, there was no boss in sight.

Then, Solaire heard the cries. Running around the edge of the arena, he spotted an utterly-tragic sight. A two-headed horse drawing a spiked chariot was clinging by only its hooves to the rim of a deep, dark chasm. The dual heads were arguing amongst themselves.

"You nitwit," the first head, a croaky-voiced female yelled. "You had one job. Steer the chariot across the hole. So, what have you gone and done?"

The second head, a youthful male, called out in protest. "Well, maybe if my co-pilot kept her eyes on the road, instead of that scantily-clad necromancer in the aisles, then maybe I could have flown this damn thing straight!"

"Your talking a load of shit, ya know that, Ernie? And you're making us look bad in front of the chosen undead!"

"Shut your snout, Bertha," Ernie spat, before looking at Solaire with embarrassment. "Hey, dude. Could you... could you... uh..."

Solaire nodded respectfully, placing his boot upon the steed's head, and kicking it into oblivion. As he watched the chariot fall into the darkness below, he heard the clunky machinations of the nearby portcullis. Turning, he spotted a skeleton bent-doubled by the lever, panting heavily as though out-of-breath.

"Sorry I'm late," it coughed.

* * *

- Thirty Six Minutes Later -

"What. The. Fuck. Is that?"

Solaire gazed upon his new opponent, the Covetous Demon, with utter bemusement, as the fat slug tried to heave itself towards him.

"Puny Jedi! Puny Jedi!" it rambled, nonsensically slurring its speech as it flopped its belly about pathetically.

* * *

- Seventy Three Minutes Later -

The sunlight streaming through the rooftop of the Iron Keep was so grossly incandescent, Solaire just HAD to stop and praise it. The view from the bridge was absolutely stunning. Nothing could ruin the moment.

Nothing.

Except a gigantic steel greatarrow.

Solaire barely had the chance to spurt obscenities as the Alonne Knight's destructive projectile plunged into his torso, and sent him cartwheeling into the simmering lava below.

The archer responsible for the dickish act watched the Knight fall to his demise with great interest. Satisfied beyond words, he removed his azure Alonne helmet, revealing a secondary helmet worn underneath. This helmet was silver, with curved horns and a distinctive shaped opening. Anyone who had played Dark Souls knew exactly what they were looking at it.

Fear itself.

The unveiled Anor Londo Archer laughed deeply, notching another arrow in his Dragonslayer (Alonne) Greatbow in anticipation of the next bozo undead to wander past.

"I love my fucking job!" he chortled giddily.

There could be no doubt as to the sincerity of his words.

* * *

- Six Minutes Later -

Once again, Solaire was faced with an imposing white vortex of fog. It could mean only one thing.

"Yay! Surprise unsurprising boss fight time!" the demoralised Warrior of Sunlight chirped unenthusiastically. "Well, it better not be a fire boss. You know, since you can only get fire-resistant gear when you're actually IN the fire place."

Solaire penetrated the fog.

"Fear me!" his new, flaming opponent cried. "For I am the Smelter Demon. Crusher of hope and puny bodies!"

Solaire just nodded, breathing harder and faster as he came to terms with his incredulity. "It's fine. It's fine. I can do this."

The Smelter Demon swung, completely missing Solaire.

"Oh-hoh! Perhaps the sword is greater than the mighty-"

The Smelter turned sharply, breaking the laws of mathematics and physics to deliver a slicing attack at an angle that should have broken its spine instantaneously if performed at such a speed.

Solaire died.

"That's okay," the Sunbro chuckled. "Dying once to a boss is perfectly natural. It doesn't make me a scrub! I'll get him next time."

* * *

- Thirty Eight Failed Smelter Demon Boss Fights Later -

"Fuck you!" Solaire squealed, throwing his controller at his television screen as the Smelter Demon pulverised his body with his flaming greatsword, then proceeded to teabag him.

"It's stupid that he can track your movements even after he's swung his sword! Fucking From Software. Fucking Tanimura. Fucking anus-faced boss. Fucking fucking fuck."

**^ AUTHORS NOTE: THIS SPEECH IS BASED UPON AN ACTUAL RANT THAT I HAD WHILST FIGHTING THIS BOSS. YES, I'M A POTTY-MOUTHED MAN. BUT YOU KNEW THAT ALREADY, RIGHT?**

When Solaire returned to the Smelter Demon for his fortieth attempt at the boss, he arrived to a perturbing sight. The Demon was pointing his enormous sword towards his gut, as though about to commit sudoko. Solaire was dumbfounded.

"What in the sun is going on?" he asked.

The Smelter Demon sniffed, the tears trying to flee his eye sockets being evaporated by his intense, radiating body heat. "I... I can't live with it anymore... I'm... I'm so ugly..."

Solaire resisted the urge to agree wholeheartedly with the Demon. "Aww, no, you're most definitely not."

"I am too. I'm... I'm done... I was created for the purpose of annoying people... I... I have no soul."

"You do," Solaire pointed out. "Soul of the Smelter Demon." He began to read the item description. "Soul of-"

"No! A REAL soul. A soul filled with goodwill and benevolence to all things."

Solaire coughed nervously. "Oh. Well..."

"It's over," The Demon said softly. "Time to prove to those up there that I'm not just a part of their game. I'm a living creature, independent from the malevolent programming that drove me. I am stronger than them!"

The sword pierced the Demon's stomach, and it evaporated into smoke and dust.

VICTORY ACHIEVED.

Solaire brushed away a tear, humbled by the significance of the moment. "It's finally over... Finally."

Then, an enormous, elongated great sword was thrust through the ground in front of him. A familiar face emerged and rose up from the centre of the arena, smiling callously.

"I'm back, bitch!" the Pursuer cried, much to Solaire's dismay.

The Warrior of Sunlight just stood there. "Are. You. Serious?"

* * *

- Nineteen Minutes Later -

"I like turtles!" Solaire laughed.

The Ironclad Knight remained stony-faced. "That's not funny."

**AUTHORS NOTE: IT WASN'T. AND IT NEVER WAS.**

* * *

- Thirty Five Minutes Later -

"Royal Rat Vanguard?"

The Warrior of Sunlight scratched his head in confusion as he read the new boss' health bar. "Where is it?"

Then, he looked around, and nearly jumped out of his armour in fright. An army of hideous, hairy fiends were approaching through gaps in the walls.

"Eek! Rats!" he shrieked, abandoning all illusions of chivalry and jumping onto the top of a nearby gravestone in fright. "Get away!"

Just then, there was a thumping, vibrating sound. The twenty rats that had piled into the boss room stood aside as an enormous, yellow headlight cut through the dim light. As Solaire watched, a huge motorcycle cruised through the crowds, ridden by a distinctly-gangster rat and his bimbo girlfriend.

"Stay here, sweet cheeks," the mohican-haired rodent told his girl, channelling fluent, cockney English. "Gotta take care a' business."

The rat hung his leather jacket and gold chain on the bike's handles, before leaping down in front of Solaire. Upon noticing the cowering knight, he extended a toothy smile. "You new, kid? I'm known as the Vanguard around here. I hope my boys didn't harm you. I want that pleasure for myself!"

Solaire didn't let his intimidation show. "You're the Vanguard?"

"Ye-huh."

"The Royal Rat Vanguard?"

"Sure thing, boss."

"Only you?"

"You don't catch on fast, d'ya?" The Vanguard taunted, sleekly curling a comb through his greasy locks. "Silly kid. I'm the boss. I'm the honcho. These guys ain't nothing without me!"

"Thanks. That's all I needed to know."

Solaire tossed a throwing dagger, impaling the malicious mammal straight between the eyes.

Instantaneously, the Royal Rat Vanguard health bar disappeared, and VICTORY ACHIEVED appeared.

The rat hordes stood around awkwardly for a few seconds, before one of them suddenly cried. "Run away!"

Solaire laughed as the rats turned and ran with their tails between their legs.

"Ah. And to think, I thought a rat-based boss battle could be difficult."

* * *

- Several Fog Walls later -

Solaire's sword cleaved through the last of the toxic rats, and he breathed a sigh of relief.

"Toxic is so OP," he muttered. "Ah, never mind. Now to continue throu-"

The ground shook behind Solaire, and a new tune started to play.

Wincing, he glanced behind him, just in time to be collided with and knocked flying. When the stars around his vision had retreated back into the night sky, he slowly looked up as an enormous opponent loomed over him.

"What... are you?" he asked, marvelling morbidly at how the incredibly-powerful creature had broken his body in just a single strike.

"I am The Authority," the monster boomed. "But you may call me by my development name... Project Buttrape."

Solaire gulped. "Dear gods..."

"Good thing there's a bonfire right outside. You're going to need it, bud."

Solaire's last thoughts were of the sun, as the Authority turned its back from him before crushing him underneath the one place where it would never shine.

**END OF PART ONE.**

**DID U FUCKIN LIK, SCRUBS? PLZ REVIEW, FOLLO AND FAV THEN FANK U**


	2. Part Too

**Sup scrubs. Pleased to bring you Part 2 of the best series since Breaking Bad. The reason I've been writing like a fucking workhouse monkey is because I've had a wee bit of depression lately. Nothing serious - but Lord knows that I write much better when I'm in a good mood... So, enjoy this one, won't ya? After I finish this kinda-prologue for Dark Souls 2, I'll get on to the more meaty stuff. Interview with a Havelyn, anybody?**

* * *

**The Place Where the Sun Don't Shine**

**Part Too**

Lautrec of Carim buried his shotel into the attacking spider's abdomen, causing a geyser of icky green fluid to explode onto the shiny surface of his armour. Cursing his luck, the knight proceeded to remove his deep-rooted weapon from the still-writhing body, before taking a prolonged swig from his Estus Flask.

The Sunny-D still drizzling off of his helmet, Lautrec permitted himself the tiniest of smiles.

"I bet there's a firekeeper around here somewhere..." he whispered to himself, tenderly groping the curve of his shotel as he spoke. Thanks to his homicidal urges, the knight of Carim had kept up high spirits throughout his arduous journey.

However, he was now faced with one of the biggest fog gates he had ever seen. It practically enveloped the entire sky, and the earth ahead disappeared beneath its misty vortex.

Lautrec peered to the very bottom of his Estus. There was nothing left but the sickly sweet smell of oranges, a scent that overwhelmed the Carim knight with sensations of the citrus variety.

"Fuck it," he declared, moving through the fog wall. "YOLO."

The first thing Lautrec saw upon entering Freja's domain was the enormous metallic spider in the centre of the arena, which the life bar declared as the 'Duke's Dear.' The second thing he noticed was the helpless knight of sunlight, Solaire - one of the few denizens of Lordran he considered to be a true br0 - trapped in its malicious mandibles.

The Knight of Carim felt weak as he saw the infinite arachnid reinforcements being deployed from webs on the ceiling. But deep inside of him, a fire continued to burn. His mind was illuminated by the image of Anastasia cowering as he plowed through her flesh, cackling like a madman. The nostalgia awoke something primal in Lautrec, and the knight rose up tall as courage seeped through him.

Taking a deep breath, Lautrec bellowed in his best Samwise Gangee voice.

"LET HIM GO, YOU FILTH!"

Shelob's cousin took one look at the golden speck, and spun around on its legs at a 180 degree angle, revealing a second, much more handsome, arachnoid face.

Lautrec slumped. "Oh, bollocks."

Freja cackled as the light began to sizzle from the back of her throat, growing in density and intensity... until...

"FIRING MA LAZER!" the insect abomination roared.

Lautrec had only seconds to Allow Me before the bundled beam pounded into him, delivering him straight to the abyss.

* * *

**OBLIGATORY SEQUEL AHEAD.**

**YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED, SCRUBZ**

* * *

"Hey, chosen undead?"

Solaire traced the origin of the impossibly-sexy voice to a man in silver armour, who was sitting rather innocently off to the right.

"Yeah?" Solaire muttered, before coughing deeply and correcting his colloquialism. "I mean... Ah, hello there."

The man raised his head, revealing a plump white face and a pair of thin, smiling lips. "You're not a bandit, are you? Ah, one can't be too careful..."

Solaire stroked his head in puzzlement. "Who are you, and why do you sound like Peter Serafinowich?"

The man's eyes darted uncomfortably. "Oh, no reason. My name is Pate. There's some treasure in that room over there with the spikes on the ceiling and the skeletons holding the 'Why me?' placards. You should totally go get it."

Solaire started to walk, but stopped abruptly as the suspicion snacked him in the forehead like a horse walking into a bar. "Wait... Aren't you that guy from the posters?"

Pate cast a glance at the floor, and shrugged his shoulders theatrically. "Dunno."

"Hmm," Solaire muttered, pulling a tattered piece of parchment from his bag, and unfolding it for a better look. The scroll was a ten-by-twenty picture of Pate with the caption - **WANTED: FOR BEING A COCK.**

Solaire stroked his chin as he switched his gaze constantly between the picture and Pate. The correlation did not materialise, and Solaire scrunched up the poster, and tossed it aside.

Satisfied with his conclusion, Solaire pressed Pate for more information. "So, what is the treasure?"

"The trinkets I'll be stripping off yo- er, ahem! Urhm, I believe it's a sculpture of Gwynevere."

Solaire's eyes bulged from beneath his helmet, and he rushed into the room.

* * *

Solaire bowed his head underneath the doorframe as he walked into the armourer's in Majula, carefully avoiding knocking his helmet against his noggin. Having collected all four of the Great Souls, he was now looking for a solid set of gear to get him through the last stretches of the game. He came to Maughlin's because of the cheap prices, wide selection and warm hospitality. It wasn't the most extravagant of shops, based out of a run-down shack and bearing shelves of clumsily ordered armaments, but Solaire was drawn to it's homely charms.

Or, at least he HAD been. The Maughlin's that he walked into that eternally-sunny day in Majula was not the one he remembered. Its proprietor - usually found sitting in a hunch on top of a box - was now standing up and leaning casually on a sword's hilt.

"Maughlin?" Solaire asked timidly. "Are those sunglasses on your head?"

"Yeah," the armorer replied. "What about it?"

"Umm, okay. Well, I'm here to buy some armour!"

Maughlin visibly sighed, as if the prospect of making money actually irritated him. "Fine! What the hell do you want?"

Solaire took a step back, aghast by his treatment. "Whateth happened to you, Maughlin?"

The armorer adjusted his hat to a pert 180 degrees before speaking. "I joined the Church of 'I don't give a fuck.'"

Solaire folded his arms. "Maybe I'll shop elsewhere, then."

"Go ahead. But you'll never find as an amazing shop as mine."

"I just want to buy armour!"

"Fine! Have this invisible armour that makes you completely naked, you fucking slut."

Solaire viewed the Aurous Helm doubtfully. "I'm not sure it's my size..."

Maughlin rolled his eyes. "Well, you should really drop a few pounds..."

"Excuseth me?"

"Just saying, cunt. Your belly is sticking out from your chainmail, you big fatty!"

Solaire drew his sword angrily, but Maughlin just snapped his fingers sassily and the blade turned to ash.

Leaning back even further, Maughlin pushed his shades back to the top of his nose. "Swagger jagger, motherfucker."

* * *

As the King's Gate bonfire was lit up in a flurry of yellow sparks, Solaire sat down for a well-deserved R&R.

"Goodness," he proclaimed. "Fighting through all of those knights outside was absolute buttrape! Who knew that you had to kill them right in front of the Golems, so that their souls would be absorbed? Hah! TrollSoft."

Closing his eyes, he removed his helmet, pressing his ears down hard as he did so. The warmth of the bonfire gently soothed his aching bones, and he felt his eyelids dropping. The monotony was actually soothing after 30+ hours of monster-slaying, Estus-chugging and hasty invasion-provoked-internet-disconnectings. He started to lose the grasp on his mind, his consciousness seeping away like sand in an hourglass.

**BOOM**

Instantly, the warrior of Sunlight was shaken awake. "Whateth was that?"

**BOOM BOOM BOOM**

"Again?" Solaire had an awful feeling searing away at his insides, but he daren't not look behind him, for fear of what he may see.

Then, he heard a voice.

"Did you miss me...?"

The last thing he saw before he was reduced to a glowing green stain on the floor once again was a flash of gold crashing down onto him.

His assailant reared up in the aftermath of the attack, and a struck a victorious pose.

"Hole in one," the Ruin Sentinel whispered. "Bitch."

* * *

The last of the Stone Soldiers crumbled into the ground as Solaire's Sun Sword sliced straight through its neck. Its head hit the ground and splintered, and Solaire blew the debris from the end of his blade, and smiled.

"Piece of cake," he laughed, praising the sun intensely in spite of the fact that his grossly-incandescent idol was hidden beneath a huge array of stormy grey clouds.

His celebrations were cut short by an ominous declaration on the bottom of his screen.

**Arbiter Spirit MLPfan2010 has invaded!**

Solaire cussed as the blue phantom Waved at him from the end of the King's Passage. Even from here, Solaire could tell he was a Havelyn, a hulking rock monstrosity bearing a Santier's Spear and dual crossbow machine-guns.

"I'm not fighting that," Solaire decided, turning and running like a little bitch towards the safe haven of the boss fog. The arbiter sprinted towards him, desperate for the cheap victory, but he was too late. Solaire passed through the fog wall, flipping the phantom off and shouting "Fucking brony faggot!"

**MLPfan2010 has returned home**

Solaire wiped the sweat from his forehead, only to turn back around and come face to face with a giant, silver knight. The boss somewhat resembled a chess piece, with a steel helmet that looked like a crown and a sword coated in barbed thorns. The most startling feature, however, was the mirror that it held in its offhand, apparently doubling as a shield.

The Mirror Knight thrust its sword into the sky triumphantly as its boss theme roared out.

Moments later, when it made no attempt to attack, it was apparent that it was waiting for something that hadn't happened yet. Sure enough, the knight confirmed it. "What the fuck?"

Solaire folded his arms in amusement. "Having trouble?"

"Where's my lightning? It's supposed to strike... NOW!"

And yet, there was still no strike. It seemed the Mirror Knight's grasp of elemental manipulation was not fullproof.

"Goddamn," the Knight sighed. "I was more stable at E-fucking 3!"

Solaire took the opportunity for another ill-judged taunt. "I guess you're not... attractive enough!"

"Haha, wise guy," the Knight deadpanned. "Well, let's see how you like it when I summon two Hex-abusing squires to gank your scrawny punk ass!"

Solaire balled his fists in anger. "A boss that encourages online ganking? Worse than Hitler!"

"Oh, shush," the Knight commanded, slamming down its Looking Glass. "Didn't you ever fight Old Monk?"

A reflection appeared on the mirror's surface, smashing wildly at the pane to try and escape. Solaire wildly fired a Great Lightning Spear, but the miracle bounced pathetically off of the glass, and the squire exploded out from the mirror.

Only when it started climbing to its feet, did Solaire realise the horror of what was about to happen.

**Mirror Squire MLPfan2010 summoned**

The Brony Havelyn hefted its dual crossbows towards Solaire with great delight. The Warrior of Sunlight was pumped full of bolts before he even had a chance to scream.

Solaire fell flat on his back, and the only sound he could hear was the pattering of the rain on his helmet. Then, he saw the dark sky overhead as the Havelyn prised the headpiece from his head - a trophy of its dominance over him.

He heard the grating, the push of metal upon metal, but all he felt was despair as his opponent proceeded to unload the contents of its bladder onto his face.

"And that," the Havelyn declared. "Was for Rainbow Sparkle."

* * *

Solaire stooped down to read the message at his feet that was glowing with a throbbing, orange urgency.

**Run**, it proclaimed. **Just run.**

Solaire scratched his head in bemusement. "What could possibly be wrong with a Shrine?" he wondered aloud. "Especially when there's beautiful singing!"

Relaxed, he took another step forward, before noticing another message.

**Death ahead, Therefore Disconnect.**

Solaire looked about him, frantically searching for a sign of danger. But there was nothing to be seen. Amana was deathly still. A gentle breeze blew across the cave, shaking the pretty white bracken, and sending ripples gracefully across the straight water.

Solaire inhaled deeply, and listened to the sound of the singing. "Ah... lovely."

Satisfied that the message was talking baloney just like the first, he began to move much faster. That is, until he stumbled across a third.

**Kill yourself in real life fagit, **it ordered.** Plus Amazing Chest Ahead, try holding with both hands.**

And that was when Solaire felt the hairs on his neck bristle up. He turned around far too late to defend himself as several hundred piercing soul spears thudded through his chest. Impaled by the barrage of sharpened projectiles, Solaire dropped down onto his knees, throwing his arms back in agony.

His attackers, strange robed sorcerers, rose up from their hiding positions in the reeds around the edge of the water. One of them was holding a small electronic GPS, and smiled callously at Solaire when the pair crossed glances. With an astounding calm, the sorcerer proceeded to push the red joystick on the remote controller. Soon enough, the guided projectile landed straight between Solaire's shoulders, and the Warrior of Sunlight collapsed.

As the soothing pearl-white light in the Shrine started to disappear beneath a swirly, dark vortex, Solaire saw the magicians crowding around his body in a perfect circle. One of them leant over to him, and whispered.

"Everything wants to kill you here, Solaire. Everything. Us. The Clerics. The mushrooms. The creatures under the water. The fatty bom-bom. The random, invisible pitfalls around the area. Even the white phantom summon."

Solaire whispered faintly. "Felicia?"

The phantom appeared at his side, splashing water into his eyes when he tried to speak. "You thought I would help you, didn't you? Too bad I can't stop attacking every enemy in the area, and drawing them into you! Hahahaha... Eat shit."

The magician continued. "You came to this Shrine under the illusion that you were playing a video game; that you were having a fun time. Now, let me shatter that illusion. You will never get through here alive. You may dodge our spears, but when you stop - to try and attack, chug or pass through a fog door - we'll get you. We always get you. This place will haunt your waking dreams. Every thought you ever have will be with us. The Shrine will become you. Even when you're at school, work or having some late-night sex... we'll be right there with you."

The magician's apostle began to chant. "Shrine is love. Shrine is life."

"See you next time," he cackled, his foot hovering over Solaire's throat, before sailing downwards to land with a sickening crunch.

* * *

**The end.**

* * *

**There's really no more. Go home.**

* * *

**The disc is broken. The playthrough is over. Leave!**

* * *

**Don't you understand? It's over. Dark Lols is over. The fanfic charts the course of an average Dark Souls 2 playthrough. Nobody ever beats the Shrine of Amana. Nobody knows if there's anything at all beyond it, and nobody ever will.**

**See ya later scrubs.**

* * *

**Just kidding.**

* * *

Solaire rolled like a beach ball just in time to avoid the oncoming sorcery blast. As he watched, the pulsating blue menace sailed above him, crashing and dissipating against the wall ahead.

After a few moments of heavy panting, Solaire looked over his shoulder. He saw nothing but the water; no sorceries, no **SURPRIZE MOTHERFUCKER** monsters crawling through the water. Reassured that he was finally safe from the homing missiles, Solaire raised his middle finger to the Shrine.

"Fuck you, Amana," he spat. "Fuck you forever."

The ordeal finally at its close, Solaire took a few moments to recompose himself. He had hoped to reconciliate with the man he had used to be. Unfortunately, the shrine had changed him. In all likelihood, he would never be the same again.

Finally, he pushed against the misty fog gate at the end of the corridor, and arrived in a new area. The first thing that struck Solaire about his new surroundings - an insidious arena of water - was the gigantic creature sitting in the centre. It held the slight resemblance of a frog, but its face was hidden completely from sight by what appeared to be a set of armoured foreskin.

Solaire waited, but the giant penis frog did not move.

After a few minutes, the Warrior of Sunlight began to scratch his chin. "The Demon of Song...? He seems pretty docile! Although, I should be careful nonetheless. This game has a tendency to penetrate the anal layers when one least expects it. Ohohoho."

Tentatively, Solaire approached the abomination. When he was barely an inch from the creature, he stopped, reaching out cautiously and prodding the armour.

Instantly, the skin was drawn back like a pair of shutters, and in it's place was the most pecu- **WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? URGH! JESUS MOTHERFUCKING CHRIST... OH HELL NAH, SOUFFLE IS OUT ON THAT DESCRIPTION!**

Solaire jumped at the sight of Michael Jackson's ugly brother, but he did not reach for his sword as fifty hours of Dark Souls gameplay experience would normally suggest.

"Hey there," he whispered softly. "I'm not going to hurt you... (Although someone really should)."

The Demon of Song started to make a strange, gargling sound, as though it were trying to converse.

"What's that? You want me to tickle your tummy? D'awww, you're adora-"

Suddenly, the Demon's mouth exploded open, unleashing a pair of writhing limbs that seized the Warrior of Sunlight instantly, and held him aloft.

"Oh no," Solaire whined, watching the ooze dripping off of the roof of the creatures mouth as it drew nearer and nearer to him.

**Author's Note: And let that be a lesson, kids! Things that appear harmless, like your bed, your teddy and your mummy and daddy, are usually horrifying monsters and will destroy your soul.**

* * *

Solaire paused as he noticed the twin chests, sitting innocently in an alcove to the side of the room. Cautiously he approached them, but as he reached down to open the first one, he was suddenly hilt with a bolt of realisation.

"It's probably a mimic," he sighed. "As if Trollsoft would actually give you nice stuff..."

The chest stared silently back at him, practically egging him on.

"Alright then, you fucker," the Warrior of Sunlight spat. "You want to eat me? You can eat this!"

Solaire swung his sword straight into the chest, splintering and then shattering its fragile wooden frame. The box caved, leaving only a thin grey bag at the bottom. Frowning, Solaire stooped down and picked up the bag.

"Whateth? More rubbish?" he proclaimed.

The Knight scratched his head in amusement. "Of course. Well, I guess I'll add it to the pile!"

With unrestrained disappointment, Solaire opened his Bottomless Box, and tossed the Rubbish inside, where it landed in a heap with 36 identical brothers.

Solaire looked wistfully at the literal pile of shit. After a few moments, he was struck with a further revelation. "I think if I break the chests, then the contents get turned into rubbish!"

Somewhere in Drangleic, Oroboro screamed in disbelief. Meanwhile, Solaire had turned to the second chest.

"Give me Rubbish will you, Trollsoft?!" he yelled. "I'll show you rubbish!"

Angrily, the honourable knight wrenched open the boxes wooden lid, only to discover a long line of jagged teeth in the place of his treasure.

"Oh, shit..." he cursed.

"Shoulda checked the chain, fucker," the Mimic giggled, lashing its tongue around Solaire, and dragging him into its mouth.

* * *

The Blue Flame crashed down onto Solaire's Sun Sword, the latter weapon blocking the former swipe but sending a shower of azure/orange sparks crashing down onto the Sunbro's head. Quickly countering, Solaire smashed his shield against his phantom assailant's throat, breaking his windpipe and sending him straight back to the afterlife.

"Ghostbusted," the Warrior of Sunlight quipped, throwing his head back and laughing at the empty hall.

Without warning, the sound of a ringing bell burst through the space. Solaire looked around in confusion, before taking in a sight that made him soil his chain-mailed drawers. Every single phantom swordsman in the room had been reanimated.

Solaire Looked Skyward. "Are... you... fucking... serious...?" he breathed, his voice muffled through his clenched teeth.

A hideous, naked hollow emerged from beneath the nearby stairwell, carrying the offending musical instrument mounted on a podium. As Solaire balled his fists, the ugly undead produced a Channeler's Trident, and began to dance gleefully.

* * *

Solaire burst through the dissipating fog wall, brushing the dust from the floor of the Crypt from his finely-ironed chainmail. Having just defeated Velstadt, the protector of the king of Drangleic, he was finally ready to complete Dark Souls II.

"Hah... Royal Anus lol," he chuckled, summarising his conclusion on the Garl Vinland wannabe. "Well, it's time for the final boss. Better get ready for some hardcore parrying!"

Hurrying down the flight of stone steps, Solaire hurtled into a large, round room. At the back of the room was a pile of clothes, topped by a glittering jewel - the King's Ring. At the front was something else entirely.

The Warrior of Sunlight was uncertain of whether he should avert his eyes. The problem was, there were very few places for him to divert his attention to. The sight? The former king of Drangleic was sat on the floor of his tomb, completely deprived of all of his clothing. Around his sickly hollowed neck was a medallion depicting the peace movement. Vendrick noticed Solaire, and stood up abruptly to greet him. As he did so, his crown jewels became unfurled and started to sway to and fro, like a pendulum. In a state of horrified hypnosis, the Knight of Astora found no strength in his legs to move away.

"Hey, maaaan!" Vendrick cried. "What up, dude?"

Solaire looked at the ground awkwardly. "Uh, hey. You're Vendrick, right?"

The naked king took a huge bite out if a carrot in his hand, and nodded. "Sure am, little brother."

"I think... I think you're supposed to be the final boss..."

Vendrick tilted his head. "I used to be, but that job was limiting ma style, maaan! After the Giant War, I realised the value of peace and love, and gave up my material possessions to follow a path of enlightenment!"

Solaire swallowed hard as Vendrick scratched his balls very openly and right in front of his face. "Ah, yes, hmm. I see..."

"You should take off your clothes too!"

Solaire turned sharply and briskly left the room. Running up the steps, he nearly bumped straight into the Emerald Herald, who appeared to be on her way to him.

"Ah!" she grunted. "Oh, it's you. Chosen undead, are you seeking the powerful souls to seek the king?"

Solaire waved his arms in frustration. "The King's in there! But he's turned into a fucking hippy, and won't fight me at all! Tell me what to do!"

The Herald frowned, and stared downwards. "Um..."

On the verge of boiling, Solaire grabbed her by the shoulders, and shook her hard. "You must know something!"

The Emerald relented, bowing her head lightly, and whispering a single word.

_"Dragons."_

* * *

**End of Part Too**

**To Be Concluded in Dark Lols: With a Vengeance.**


End file.
